Monday, August 4, 2014

A Swift Kick To The Listicles

I am so freakin' sick of this trend in listicles, where not only do bloggers and journalists let themselves off the hook for writing a substantial story, but they also get to be insulting and condescending.
"Good thing we're here, because you nearly suicided yourself
out of sheer ignorance, you stupid fuck."

  • 10 Foods You're Eating Wrong
  • 2,500 Things You're Too Ignorant to Know to Do With Oatmeal
  • 7 Ways Your Stupid Walk is Injuring Yourself
  • You've Been Using the Wrong Orifice to Eat a Banana
  • People Are Angry at Your Mother Because of These 17 Simple Social Cues Everyone Else in the World Has Figured Out Except for Your Developmentally Stunted Ass
  • 15 Ways Your Idiot Face Ruins Life for Decent People
  • Exercise Is Great, But Not the Way You Do It: 13 Reasons You're Fucking Up
  • That's Not How You Hold a Fork, You Sperm-Dumpster
  • 8 Things That Aren't Food But You're Still Trying to Eat
  • Seriously? It's Called 'Water.' Do I Need to Explain 'Water' to You?
And half the time, they're wrong anyway. Those easy-bake cookies with only three ingredients? One of those ingredients is cake mix. Yay, some wanna-be armchair journalist figured out how to separate a yolk from the albumen—everyone else knew this 60 years ago: "new" to you does not always mean "new".

Just because someone figured out a different way of doing something, that doesn't mean all other ways are wrong. When someone discovers a new trick, the tone they take to introduce it is totally out of proportion to the trick. They address it with the urgency in line with warning someone from a life-threatening hazard, yet the trick is something largely inapplicable in most people's lives: "Hey Idiot! You Almost Killed Yourself and Your Family! Now Here's the REAL Way to Peel a Mango."

Who gives a rat's ass? How many times a year have I had to peel a mango? And now that I know this trick, I'm no more likely to rush out and stock up on mango than I was yesterday without this pearl of wisdom. My life was perfectly fine without this arrogant assault: there's nothing wrong with the shape of my pizza slices, there's nothing wrong with how I eat an avocado, and my summer is just fine without your shitty rehashed and stolen list of cocktails.