Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Free Bike Headlights on the Greenway

Oh, look at this, you stupid hipsters: free bike headlights! This Thursday at Greenway/Hiawatha!

I know you think you're very cool because you're not good at following instructions, and you're not very strong on reading signs or pictures, but how can this be any easier? Free is right within your budget (after blowing way too much money on your illegal fixie and that trendy waterproof backpack all your art school/cappuccino buddies have).

Getting hit by a car will ruin your bike, hipster.
It's on the Greenway, where you've definitely been posing, so it's not like you don't know where this is. Yes, I know, cops are involved, and you're all such badasses for going against red lights and not using hand signals; yes, everyone admires you for your learning disorder. But it's in your best interest to not get hit by a car, do you agree? Surely you must agree that you would like to not get hit by a car. One good way to do that is to install a light on the front of your bike. Yes, I know, it's the law and you prefer breaking laws without understanding them, but think of it as a safety measure, instead.

You don't even have to install it! They will do all the work for you. All you have to do is bike your ugly butt down the very same bike path you use anyway, ask for a free thing that will save your life, and they will install it for you. If you insist on being so dumb-stupid that you can't do all the things that you would do anyway, hipsters, you truly are unfit to live. In any other society, you would have been eaten by wolves a long time ago, but our nanny-state insists on making laws to protect you from yourself.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Back in the Bike Saddle Again

I deleted my traffic-blog, Small Laws, but that doesn't mean traffic stops happening. I was attracting a lot of negative attention from people who'd bitch about my work there—not directly to me, mind. No comments on my blog, but they'd link to my posts from other message boards and it was no feat to find them and see what people were saying.

The "Minneapolitans are terrible drivers" posts were criticized on the "Minneapolis is awesome" blogs.

The "cyclists have a portion of responsibility in traffic safety" were decried on the "cyclists can do no wrong" blogs.

Nobody brought the discussion to me, because Minnesotans don't do that. If they don't like what you're doing, they talk behind your back. If they like what you're doing, they announce it around you: not to your face and ostensibly to one of their friends, just as you're passing by. Once, a guy on a stage with a microphone at a trivia contest told me to fuck off because I called him out on a bad trivia question. After the show he approached my table, turned his back to me, and apologized to all of my friends in case he offended them: "No hard feelings? We'd really like to see you guys come back again." I'm forming a theory that anyone who looks you in the eye is from Chicago or Madison.