Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Function at War with Fashion

I remember that I wanted to write about this some time ago. It just struck me as odd.

Do you see what's wrong here? Or is it just me?

Because from my perspective, this young woman is carrying two purses and a load of books or maybe a laptop in her arm. And by my way of thinking, this is highly inefficient.

And it's not without precedent. I've seen women who keep all sorts of things in their purses--indeed, they buy intricate purse-systems with all sorts of pockets and webbing inside them, they go by misnomers like The Organizer--and all these things preclude finding anything in their purses. I asked one woman of my acquaintance for a simple object, let's say a pen. She said she had several, then set down the small dirigible she called her purse and commenced to digging through it. She went looking through it for longer than I could hold my breath (and I once held my breath for two minutes, while slumped to my desk in boredom), digging through artifacts and sections of trash that were awaiting proper receptacles as well as several to-do mounds, but eventually whipped it out with a strange "a-ha, told you so" look on her face, proud of her "system."

The woman in this image has extended that. She has one small, cute handbag, plus a large "staying at the cabin this weekend" carry-on, and then an arm full of the stuff she actually needs. Her shirt has no pockets, she doesn't seem to be carrying anything in her jeans pockets, but she has an armload of necessary equipment and two bags slung over her shoulder (whisper a prayer for her lumbar vertebrae).

Now me, being a stupid guy who knows nothing of fashion and looking good, my solution would be to put all of that in a nice Swiss Gear backpack. Everything in the handbag could go in the first two pockets, neatly organized; everything in the carry-on could fit in the main body pocket; and the notebooks/laptop would store in the laptop pocket. The backpack itself has weight-redistributing straps to balance and move the weight forward, easing the strain of carrying that much crap around. Her arms would be free to open doors, manipulate perfume samplers, or text with her friends, and there's less baggage to forget if she ever sets anything down, like getting a double soy half-caf turtlechino.

Yet when I've explained this to my friends of the feminine persuasion, they smile at me pityingly and shake their heads, amused at yet another man who "just doesn't get it." And on rages the conflict, without resolution or compromise or even understanding.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Origin Stories: Hawkeye (not M*A*S*H)

So I saw this...

...which was followed up by this...

...and prompted me to construct this.

"Hey kid, would you like to learn to be an expert archer?"
"What other kinds of archers are there?"
"Intermediate, Beginner, and Poor."
"I think intermediate archer sounds more my speed."
"What? Why not shoot for the moon?"
"Can expert archers shoot the moon?"
"The moon is choked with all the arrows experts shoot into it. It hardly means anything anymore."
"Can I... shoot the breeze?"
"Right in the center."
"Where is the center of the breeze?"
"Midway through its heart, just above its thorax."
"When people say 'sure as shootin',' will they be talking about me?"
"There, you're confused. The expression is 'sure as shitting.'"
"That makes more sense."
"Because everybody shits, right?"
"Almost everybody. You've got Jake the Non-Shitting Primate With No Asshole on your staff."
"He's only an intermediate archer, speaking of. Do you want to be like him?"
"Oh, hell no. Sign me up for expert. I'm all about shitting and shooting and... shutting. Like, doors."
"Mostly we've got tents with flaps. I don't know if they're ever technically 'shut'."
"Well, when I bring my skills to the city, I know they'll have doors there."
"You've got vision, kid."

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Writing Sample, late 2005

Found some old writing in an old journal. I don't know what I was going to do with this.

The Company's entire facility is on fire.

The Company should have the fire extinguished, to include burning employees.

Management acknowledges instances of perceived combustion but does not believe these are of material impact. Examinations for conflagration are conducted annually. Finally, Management is not stupid and believes it would notice if its facility (and employees) were on fire.