Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Why I Like Being a Human

Being a human is something many of us take for granted. We do it every day, it's happened to nearly everyone we know, and you don't need a license or any special training to make as many humans as you want--hell, frequently it happens entirely by accident! It's easy to let this aspect of existence slip beneath the radar.

But I live with two cats, and being around animals tends to underscore not just our differences (like where and when we'll poop) but also the capabilities that come with being a human. By contrast, I'm basically a superhero compared to my cats. Sure, they can jump really high, but look what I can do:

1) I can make myself a large or small meal at any moment. That meal can be a pile of meat, if I want.

2) I'm obliged to mention the benefits of opposable thumbs.

3) I can force my cats into cuddling against their will, and they have to take it. This is called "paying kitty rent."

4) I can open a door, go outside, wander around, find my way back home, and let myself inside again.

5) Once outside, I'm not normally accosted by other humans who think outside is their territory. That's only happened twice in my life, and there aren't any corners torn from my ears to show for it.

6) All those noises that people make? I can interpret them meaningfully and reciprocate, and this (frequently) enhances my existence.

7) Rather than shrink in terror from those large metal boxes that race up the streets, I can get inside one and bend it to my will.

8) Only one person is allowed to cuddle me against my will and I have to take it. All others are buying a one-way ticket to Bruisedkidneyshire.

9) If I'm bugging a cat, it can only trot away. If a cat's bugging me, I can lock it in any part of the house I choose.

10) I can eat new and unfamiliar food, enjoy it, and not necessarily respond with vomiting or terrible gas. (On the other hand, cats can deliver a payload of airborne pathogen with a perfect poker face and not one ounce of self-consciousness.)

New 10) Video games are increasingly awesome, while cat toys are a crap shoot.

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