Sunday, July 19, 2009

How To Write A Successful Blog

How to write a successful blog.

Easy: Write as though you were trying to impress an attractive woman.

"But I'm attracted to so many women!" you're saying. "How do I know which one to pick?"

Advanced: Write each entry to a different attractive woman.

One day, write to the wholesome, flaxen-haired lass who works at the co-op. Next day, write to the dangerous and surly raven-haired vixen, with a demon tattoo on her left shoulder and three nautical stars across her neck, who runs bar-back at the punk hangout. After that, compose a post as though you were trying to attract the attention of the curvy, highly competent, and forbidding department manager where you work. Will you earn her respect through erudition, or will you gamble with appealing to her turgid sexual underpinnings?

It's that easy! Write me with your success stories and if they're convincing enough I'll give it a try too.

"But I'm gay!" one-tenth of you are saying. "Pussy, yuck! What am I supposed to write about?"

Very Complicated: Oh my gods. Seriously? You're seriously asking me this.

You've got cuisine, fashion, theater, and music in your thrall, and you're asking me what you're supposed to write about. You're an oppressed demographic and you can't come up with any topic you might address. OH MY GODS, is this a serious question or are you just rubbing it in my face? I guarantee you, if we went to a poetry slam and each wrote free verse about our favorite sexual conquest, you would get all the women. Shut up and start writing.

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