Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Advertising on the Edge

Tired of network cards that only perfunctorily fulfill their... whoa, sorry, I'll start over. Had a lot of caffeine today, heh.

Tired of junky-assed network cards that only do as much as they have to? Had enough of listening to your coworkers bitch about equipment that does exactly what it's expected to... but no more?

Well, no more! This morning heralds the dawn of new technology: introducing the Cyberdyne Systems Killer Network Card. You want more than you paid for--now, you can have it. For a price.

The Cyberdyne Systems Killer Network Card is like 30 network cards in one, all doing the same thing, just... in slightly different ways that distinguish each one from the others. Like, one processes all data in red, another one leaves your data vaguely grape-scented, and another one converts all packet transfers into a series of whistling noises. Is your tea ready or is your computer just that good? Only you and the office Englishman will know.

The Cyberdyne Systems Killer Network Card. It's not just good: it's a Killer.

That's not just hype. The Cyberdyne Systems Killer Network Card will literally deprive your other hardware of its inherent right to exist. Our network card is without sin, for it lacks the faculty to distinguish good from evil... and it acts on that missing component with extreme prejudice. If you thought the Cyberdyne Systems Grievous Injury Router did a number on your peripherals, just try to find all the severed body parts once the Cyberdyne Systems Killer Network Card is done with your department.

That is, if you can survive. If somehow you manage to escape the evil steel blizzard of sheer performance power, then we invite you to call the police--every Cyberdyne Systems Killer Network Card comes with a free iPhone--and try to file a report. But we warn you: gaze in to the Cyberdyne Systems Killer Network Card, and the Cyberdyne Systems Killer Network Card also gazes into you.

Do you want that? Does this sound like something you want? How old were you when you first realized you wanted a network card to gaze into the core of your identity? Seventeen? Twelve? Have you known since you were six? Well, if you 're 35 now, then it's been a maximum of 29 years that you've had to wait for this kind of technological satiation, so enjoy it. Savor it, you sick fuck. The Cyberdyne Systems Killer Network Card is due to manifest in your schema, so be careful what you wish for: you just might get it. Especially if you complete the user-friendly Flash order form on our Web site. Provided you entered your personal and shipping information correctly, you may get exactly what you wished for.

And more, like we said. Our premise in the third paragraph. Yeah, I had to look it up too.

No comments: